True story, folks. The CHL is just a shell. (Hey, that sounds like a weirdass PSA slogan.) Coast Guard tore everything out in 1987. There was a salesman who rented it for five years, but after he skedaddled, the CG basically said, “we’re making it so no one ever rents this lighthouse again.” You know what I say? TOUGH TITTIES, COAST GUARD.

…please don’t throw me in jail.